for a long time in summer i doubted that i would find love that didn’t hurt. i didn’t know why i was looking for it, why i was trying to find something i didn’t even know existed, luring, hiding, peeking, seeking. i did not know where i stood and i did not know whether i wanted to stand there. and watch. observe. i’d heard horror stories, you know.
i sat instead of acting, as one does when one is afraid to lose parts of oneself to something external, a different someone. it wasn’t that i was scared of giving away my spare key to my own strongly built house, i was afraid i would lose some shelfs and trip over some stairs in the hallway. have my books taken away from me. have my paintings smudged for eternity.
for a long time i believed my past. i believed what my past has taught me. what it has robbed me of. it dug holes into my walls, swiped away neatly picked furniture and shattered my mirror. i believed my past because i didn’t know any better. how am i supposed to know any better? how can a little girl simply know any better?
i did not save myself over the years, growing up living just an ordinary life. i was never saved. i don’t think anyone can really be saved, and if you can’t seem to save yourself, i doubt someone else would be able to. but you expect it and hope for it. because you’re tired, PLEASE, change, please come, please get me out of here and get me there, wherever that is, i can’t do this by myself.
i just walk along and seemingly aimlessly stride for more. i look up at the sky and keep looking up ignoring the shadows behind the trees lurking. sometimes they would brush may flowers to attack me and i would trip, startled to death. crying. yelling.
but never
a step
it is not in other hands to feel for your torn skin, rub the sensitive part of your shoulder to make you feel safe and sound.
make you feel so happy your heart bursts in the morning and calmly rests when nighttime hits.
sadly it was never supposed to work like that. no one’s got the answers. we live to look for them. we look for them to live. the answers never come though. just shoes to exhausted feet that fit.