it’s all a little odd.
seeing my old best friends from high school, remembering that all the times we hung out was probably due to the environment we were put in. would we hang out otherwise?
we don’t anymore. my new best friends are scattered, and we don’t always see each other, but when we do, it’s a bond strong enough to withhold anything.
Seeing an old crush and greeting him on the street, except his clothes smell of cigarettes and that’s maybe a pack a day. would we still talk?
we don’t anymore. we’re living two completely different lives in different places with different lovers and stories we don’t want to tell each other.
all the newness used to scare me.
excite me, obviously. but it used to scare the hell out of me sometimes.
living in the moment is new to me and what’s even stranger is that i can’t seem to learn new things on my own; i’ve picked up too many scraps from the past and my view is clouded, skewed, a tiny bit screwed up.
the new people in my life now know how to teach me.
with that, they teach me about trust and vulnerability, which both i’ve been afraid of.
they teach me that my past isn’t there to haunt me and that i’m supposed to grow from it, not succumb to it. people that have wronged me, the people i have wronged, situations i’ve cursed… all of it has to be forgiven.
there might be a day or many where i’ll be disappointed again but at least i believe i’ll be fine.
maybe i’ve got to stop thinking, because when i’m not active in the present, i’ll never be mindful where i’m at, i’ll just be pacing in the past trying to piece parts together that never even belonged in the first place. all just to find out what’s wrong with me. maybe i should stop trying to outrun my mind and acknowledge that it’s just who i am, and each lost part has shaped me just the same – and no, it doesn’t always make sense. and it’s not always somebody’s fault.
so what i’ll do instead of sticking things into the past that don’t belong there:
i’ll take more walks in the summer during sunset and mindfully study the beauty in it.
i will love him fully, because i can’t stop my heart from racing anyway, and i’ll believe his words and the gaze in his eyes when he says he’s doing the same.
i will show more care for my loved ones, work harder to make them happy, because i’m not alone here.
i will apologise for my mistakes and work to never make them again.
i will trust my instincts and get to the freaking point.
i’ll spend the night even when i have work the next morning because it will be worth it.
catch myself whenever i’m thinking too hard about the past and reminding myself that things are supposed to be moving forward and all that matters is now. and appreciate it. all of it.
we’ve learnt to expect what we learned to expect in the past, but the future is really not secure by freaking out all the time.
so you might as well just flunk it.
what has happened, happened.
the past doesn’t always repeat itself.
your paranoia has potential to destroy good things happening for you.
what will happen, is going to happen.
for now just fucking breathe.
and see what happens.