Why it’s hard for me to love myself.
I’d like to believe we grow up with the love receive. The love we receive is the love we learn, and the love we learn is the love we think we deserve. Loving myself has been the hardest thing of all. It seems like an experiment to me, still, and I always thought that I already did love myself. Didn’t that mean to be selfish and to do things for me? In a way, yes. But there’s a deeper root self-love stems from and it has everything to do with self-worth.
I let my past dictate my self-worth because as a child, my daddy issues have groomed me to accept everything that I thought I was worth of receiving… Let’s just say it like that. Only I ended up suffering with the same old shit (same old shit kind of people) and asking myself WHY ME?
Girl, you were the one letting things and people in that were not in alignment with your worth in the first place. Because you’ve been treated like shit and you think that’s the best you can get.
Things changed when I realised that I have things sitting in my hands and I can grasp them or toss them, that things are in my control, and that, if things are possible for other people, they can be possible for me, too. They ARE possible for me, too.
The thing that gets tricky in this exercise of trying to love myself is the fact that a history of bad experiences has left me untrusting, anxious and paranoid of the good things I am receiving. Maybe because I think I don’t deserve them, or that other people deserve them more.
It’s a block I can’t knock off yet, even when standing on it and preaching self-love. It’s hard for me because it’s something rooted deep down within me, it’s the younger version of myself, believing the worst. And that spills onto my cut tongue sometimes.
Maybe learning to love that inner child and accepting its thoughts and indulging in them, no matter how ridiculous, might be the right step forward. In no means is this an easy step — but I’m sure we can all get there.
P/S: This post was solely written to be related to, not to gain any pity. We ALL struggle with this journey, I’m sure, and I just think it can be comforting to know you’re not alone when you feel like this specific journey is really freaking hard.